How French are You?

Loving Paris, beef bourguignon, and a red lippy is not enough.

“While giving to speech to mark six months serving as Interior Minister, [Bruno] Retailleau said that he wanted to make tougher the conditions for foreigners to gain French citizenship. . . He added that this should include "a certain level of proficiency in the French language, and a promise to integrate fully into French society". – The Local

French commentators have gotten a few chuckles from this bombastic proclamation — this is already the requirement for French citizenship. Applicants already have to pass a language test to prove they speak French at an intermediate level, after which they’re grilled on French history, culture, politics, and current events at a lengthy formal interview. Most of us tend to freak out most about the proficiency-of-speaking French part, when integrating into French culture is no picnic either.

Alors! If you’re living in France or thinking about moving to France or are a mad Francophile who lives elsewhere (I see you!), I present 30 road-tested ways to evaluate how French you are:

1. You’ve come to think of a two-and-a-half-hour meal as eat and run.

2. You are friends with people born in the houses where their children and grandchildren currently reside. You are also friends with their children and grandchildren.

3. Your French friends no longer slow down when they speak French to you.

4. You’ve got your acronym game down. HS, EDF, DELF, FNAC, INSEE, URSAFF? Pas de problème.

5. You know the difference between a crêpe and a galette.

6. You understand the importance of dressing for the season and not for the weather. If it’s an unseasonably warm day in November, you still wear a coat and scarf, even if you spend the day in a complete flop sweat.

7. You go days without a croissant, preferring a morning tartine. You know tartine is just a fancy name for toast with butter and jam.

8. You aren’t afraid not to smile.

9. You aren’t afraid to voice strong opinions.

10. You no longer comment on tiny wine glasses and tiny coffee cups.

11. You’ve fully accepted the French mania for chantilly (whipped cream)

12. You’re able to clock a full five minutes of complaining with the neighbor you see every day and whose name you don’t know and will probably never know.

13. You eat fries with mayonnaise, not ketchup. You call them frites, even to fellow English speakers.

14. You no longer go through a tortured internal cultural and nutritional debate eating at McDonald’s; if you’re in the mood, you stop in for le Royal Cheese, as do millions of other French people every day.

15. You’ve lost your hairbrush and aren’t going to replace it anytime soon.

16. You use your inside voice outside.

17. When your American friends come in for a hug, you reflexively go in for a double bises.

18. You know the difference between a Castelnaudary cassoulet and a Toulouse cassoulet. (Hint: it’s the beans.)

19. Your husband is called in the middle of night when one of your elderly non-English-speaking neighbors has fallen out of bed and can’t get up.

20. You read French magazines that no one but French people have ever heard of

21. BDs – you know what they are and you’ve got some favorites.

22. You understand that when you’re hosting an apéro, unless you move from guest to guest, inviting each one to help themselves to an olive or cashew, no one is going to dive in and help themselves.

23. You’ve developed a fetish for particular beauty items you absolutely cannot live without, found only at the French pharmacy.

24. You’ve learned what heavy legs are, and no longer dissolve into laughter at the whole idea. You might now suffer from heavy legs yourself.

25. You’ve come to see shopping as an opportunity for conversation, rather than the purchasing of goods.

26. You never leave the house without Making an Effort.

27. You understand that every major and minor holiday is an opportunity to celebrate with a big, very long meal with a gang of family and friends.

28. You start to recognize and be recognized by the various brocanteurs at the seasonal vide greniers. You also know which villages have the best stuff. (If you understand this sentence, you are well on your way to becoming integrated).

29. You go to the doctor without automatically figuring out how much this would cost you at “home.”

30. You no longer think of the place you came from as home. France is home.