Nine Things That Are Not Happening, Fall Edition

An extra-curmudgeonly look at what we're saying no to at the moment

1. Rushing the freak-out/grieving process
   Now is not the time to post an uplifting meme in the hopes that it will help. At the moment, nothing will help. A little time must pass. Gratitude lists, enforced optimism, committing to the resistance – not happening. Better plan: loll around in your quitters eating Flamin Hot Cheetos and doomscrolling until you are weeping and half-blind. Obsessively catastrophize and scream into the nearest pillow. Get drunk on something cheap and demeaning. Eventually, you will get bored with all this carrying on, at which point you can post those memes with authority and prepare to join the counter-counter revolution.

2. Timothée Chalamet as Bob Dylan
   Dylan experts have assured me that the young Bob Dylan was good-looking, but it is doubtful he was Timothée Chalamet good looking. In any case, everyone in the trailer for “A Complete Unknown” possesses the teeth and hair of movie stars. I do not get the sense they all smell of weed, BO, and patchouli, and thus my ability to suspend disbelief is not happening.

3. Sober curious (the term)
   Drink, don’t drink, whatever. The night you order a Diet Coke instead of a mojito your curiosity should be satisfied, no? A pretentious hipster term that complicates the simple act of passing on a glass of wine should not be happening. Life is complicated enough as it is.

             

4. Squash (the vegetable)
   I have a minor fixation on how it is we’ve come to eat the foods we eat. Take eggs. Who was the first person to see a chicken squeeze an egg out of her butt and think “that looks yummy.” Likewise, artichokes. How hungry would you have to be to eat an artichoke? Squash on the other hand looks exactly like something some cave person would stumble upon and think, “this large benign-looking object could feed my family for a week, after which I can use it as a decorative gourd.” That said, however much you dress squash up with butter and fresh chopped parsley, it’s still pulpy and bland. Not happening.

5. Hiking
   I’ve spent my life wishing I was a person who liked to hike. All the best people love to hike. All the cool people love to hike. The only thing I remember about the hikes to which I’ve submitted is that I wished I was home reading. Collioure attracts thousands of aluminum walking stick-bearing hikers every year. They drag their sticks along the cobblestones, and clog cafés with their sweaty, post-hiking selves. I’ve eavesdropped on many of their conversations, and not once have they discussed the hike, because unless you’ve been attacked by a wild boar there is nothing to talk about.

6. Skin care regimes that make you look like Moo Deng

   It is no longer enough simply to look young and fresh-faced. #glazeddonutskin, with almost 2 million views on TikTok, is the latest stupid trend that requires you to spend a shit ton of money you don’t have in order to look like. . .your face is a glazed donut? How is this even a thing?

7. Root-to-stem cooking
   While, I’ve been known to use carrot tops in chicken broth, pretending the rest is secretly delicious is not happening. I’m already eating a fucking vegetable, don’t come at me for failing to snack on the nasty fibrous bits that fail to appeal even to a hungry goat.

8. Over-romanticizing life in France
   France is not Culture Disneyland, but a modern country. Like every other modern country, there is good stuff and bad. France has bigots and idiots. France has women who do not embrace French girl style, and men with three teeth in their head who don’t understand consent. The most popular restaurant in France is McDonald’s. The news has not reached these shores that smoking kills. All this said, France is a country devoted to critical thinking, literature, snappy dressing, and not turning into Hungary.

   9. Those pointless sentences at the end of a meme to signal that it’s deep
   For example: “You can never ban abortion. You can only ban safe abortion. Read it again.” If the almighty algorithm has decided that I’m the audience for a sentiment such as this one, I do not have to read it again. As I am a despised elite who understands how sentences work, I need no further coaching.

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Come to Your Senses Writing Retreats 2025 UPDATE

Writers! If there was ever a time to get yourselves to France for an authentic, all-inclusive writing retreat it’s now. Registration is now open for 2025. Enrollment is capped at 12 for each session, so if you’re interested, do reach out.

June 8 - 13 with Ann Hood has 2 spots left

August 31 - Sept 5 with Chelsea Cain has 4 spots left

Sept 21 - 26 with Cheryl Strayed, WAIT LIST ONLY