Are French men polite?

There is no word for 'gentleman' in French

              

Last Tuesday over dinner we were gossiping about some of the more behaviorally challenged local characters. Were they were bonkers, or simply “poorly educated?” In French education is not scholastic, but rather a question of how one is raised. I couldn’t remember the word for gentleman in French, and asked Jean-Pierre (whom you might recall). He laughed his great booming laugh. “There IS no word for gentlemen — we are French!” In other words, just by nature of being French a man is automatically a gentleman.

This cannot be remotely be true. There are creeps and cads the world over. And anyway, is aspiring to be a gentleman even a thing anymore? (Help me, young feminists!) In the US the notion of ‘gentleman’ is probably still too closely bound up with toxic masculinity (all masculinity?) and the more problematic aspects (all aspects?) of the patriarchy. Not to mention, half the nation is in thrall to the former pussy-grabber-in-chief, a man who is the opposite of a gentleman, however you define it.

However, Jean-Pierre might have a point. France is charmingly behind the times. They are a paper-and-ink loving people, who still enjoy going to the movies, long Sunday family lunches, and Facebook. French parents take time to teach their children manners, so being a gentleman might still hold some value here.

The French dictionary describes a gentleman as “A man of perfect education, who shows reserve and distinction in his manners.” I did a survey of all the Frenchmen I’ve interacted with over the years. Were they gentlemen?

1.  Los Angeles, graduate school boyfriend
Opened car door, pulled out chair, complemented shoes. Dropped by at 11:00 pm one night during finals week and took umbrage with my coffee-stained sweatpants and t-shirt. Opined that since we were dating, I should be dressed to “receive” him at all hours of day and night. After the break-up, showed up in his bathrobe, also at 11 pm, to stand on the sidewalk and shout up at my window.

Gentleman: Kinda?
Shows reserve: Not so much
Distinction in manners: 7/10

2.  Paris, bookseller at Librairie Gallimard
I requested a book for beginning French speakers that was not The Little Prince. He pressed a thoughtful finger to his lips, hurried to the back of the shop, climbed a tall ladder, climbed back down, and presented me with a pristine copy of Andre Gide’s La Porte Étroite. While ringing me up, he held the book to his heart and promised me I would enjoy it.

Gentleman? Absolutely
Shows reserve: No; spit a little when he talked
Distinction in manners: 10/10 (Point added for complimenting my French)

3.  Abidjan, suave accountant for shady multinational corporation
At café, sat downwind so his smoke wouldn’t bother me. Paid for drinks, dinner, dessert, another drink. Listened while I spoke, especially on the subject of green cards. Not up to speed on ‘no means no.’

Gentleman: Initially
Shows reserve: Yes, especially after shove
Distinction in manners: 3/10

4.  Paris metro, gendarme policing turnstile jumping
Reduced hefty fine by half for turnstile jumping at Arts & Métiers metro stop. First, explained there was no ticket machine at that particular stop. When that didn’t work, resorted to confessing that I was American and thus a little stupide.

Gentleman? Yes 
Shows reserve: Yes 
Distinction in manners: 3/10 (point deducted for so easily believing I was an idiot)

5.  Collioure, delivery driver, not the regular guy
Called to say he had a delivery, but his truck was far too big for our narrow street. Told me to tromp down hill and meet him on wide main street. Stated that I accepted deliveries from trucks much larger than his every day. Argument ensued. He got sweary (putain, bordel du merde.) I shouted that he couldn’t speak to me that way. Clearly truck-size had devolved into unfortunate metaphor for penis size.  

Gentleman: Non!
Shows reserve: None whatsoever
Distinction in manners: 1/10 (point awarded for eventually delivering package)

6. Bordeaux, sweaty guy at swanky café
Grabbed extra chair from our table without asking. Pretended not to understand when I explained that we were waiting for someone else and would need it. I picked up the chair by the back, he grabbed onto the seat. Brief tussle ensued.

Gentleman? No
Shows reserve: Ha!
Distinction in manners: 1/10 (point awarded for releasing chair)

7. Perpignan, dapper ophthalmologist|
After performing retinal surgery, thanked me for enlightening conversation during terrifying procedure. While he cut into my eyeball, I rhapsodized on the different meanings and pronunciations of the English word ‘wound.’ Afterwards, he said he found it all quite interesting. I said I found it all quite thrilling not to have been accidentally blinded.

Gentleman? Yes
Shows reserve: Yes. Also, a steady hand
Distinction in manners: 10/10

8. Mediterranean Sea, fellow passenger on majestic, 70-foot long schooner
After magical sunset swim, time to re-board. Side of majestic schooner very tall; flimsy aluminum ladder very short. Only someone with upper body strength of juiced Olympic gymnast would be able to reach the bottom rung without a crane. Had resigned myself to swimming the mile back to shore, when fellow passenger suddenly hoisted me up to the ladder, one palm per ample American butt cheek. He never revealed his identity.

Gentleman? Absolutely
Shows reserve: Possibly a spy
Distinction in manners: 11/10 (Point added for sparing me deep embarrassment.)

9.  Arles, delightful shopkeeper at La Maison Fragonard
Chatted effusively in both in French and English. Upon learning I was shopping for Man of the House, tried on multiple men’s shirts for size, then sold me one that hadn’t yet been officially stocked in charming showroom. Recommended an excellent restaurant for dinner (not owned by family member). Sparkly eyes.

Gentleman? Yes
Shows reserve: Yes
Distinction in manners: 8/10 (point deducted for taking one look at me and pointing me toward the caftans)

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