How to Fly, the Extended Dance Mix
Spoil yourself, don't be a martyr, and other tips from a very wussy flyer
It’s that time of year when our thoughts turn to booking flights for the summer season and beyond. If you’re like me, you love to travel, but would rather have a colonoscopy than sit on a plane for ten hours. You drag your feet; you think about the soul-crushing flight standing between you and Positano or Amsterdam or Rio, and opt instead to stay home and scroll. It doesn’t have to be that way, gentle reader! I once hated flying with the passion of an American family having a political discussion, but now I am a happy long-hauler. Flight is a miracle, but the fact I now look forward to getting on a plane is a bigger one. [Note: If you’re one of those tough nuts who simply accepts that they’re going to spend double-digit hours in the tenth circle of hell, I salute you.]
A version of my hot tips for flying recently appeared in Frenchly. us
Spend the money
Whether this means taking a non-stop flight or booking a “comfort” level ticket, don’t be afraid to spend the money. Saving a hundred bucks on a flight, only to drag around for three days with your eyelids held open by clothespins isn’t worth it. Furthermore, I guarantee the knowledge that you’ll soon be chewing on your knees in row 987G will trigger a binge of self-soothing. You will wind up blowing the same amount you would have spent on the upgrade by stocking up on Peanut M&Ms, Flaming Hot Doritos, and magazines. Or, you’ll wind up like David Brooks, spending $78 on a hamburger at Newark.
Say yes to drugs
I’ve yet to meet a doctor who won’t give you something for flying. My panic-slayer of choice is Xanax. I take a quarter of a .5 mg tablet an hour before boarding. If there is “unexpected rough air” (GAH!), I take another quarter. Lately, I’ve forgotten to take it altogether, but it’s good to know I have it if I need it. If you’re leery of opting for a Class IV controlled substance, you might try Melatonin or Benadryl. Just be warned that a glass of wine and a couple of Benadryl will send you into an instant coma.
Commit to an airline
The more you fly with one airline, the more routine your long-haul flight will become. You’ll get to know the planes, how the seats are arranged, and where the best seats are. Delta/Air France flies Airbus 330s and 350s, with a 2-4-2 seating arrangement. This means that when I fly with someone, it’s just the two of us in one row. The bulkhead seat in Delta Comfort is big enough to host a small dance party.
All hail a good neck pillow
For years, I traveled without a neck pillow, preferring to scrunch up a sweatshirt and wedge it between my head and the window. Neck pillows always seemed ridiculous, and I had resigned myself to being miserable. Then one day a globe-trotting friend reported that she always clocked a good night’s sleep on her many trips from San Francisco to London for work. Her secret: a bleepin’ good neck pillow! Neck pillow technology has come a long way since my scrunched-up sweatshirt days. Designers who know how the neck actually works now give us gel-infused memory foam. On my globe-trotting friend’s recommendation I bought this neck pillow. A good eye mask is also a must for me. I forgo ear plugs because I need to listen for any change in the engine noise, or other sound of impending doom, in case I need to quickly text someone my last will and testament. If you’re not crazy like me, you might try these, which also help relieve the pain and pressure of altitude changes.
The airport is not the beginning of your adventure
Emerson philosophized that life is a journey, not a destination, but he never sat wedged in Row 42 E between a squalling infant and a farty HR manager. Treat flying like the task it is: stay focused. At the airport, purchase only water and a bag of nuts. If you’re one of those Stanley cup people, all airports have refillable water stations. And don’t even think of treating yourself to some airport sushi before boarding. I will say no more.
Say no to the rave the day before you fly
I wrote an entire book unpacking the American fetish for self-improvement and self-care. Par example, as the French say, last night for dinner I had a whiskey and a bowl of buttered popcorn. My exercise for the day: fifteen squats while waiting for my morning coffee to brew. And yet, when I have to fly, I adopt the self-care habits of the Virgin Mary. The day before I travel, I don’t drink, I get a good night’s sleep, I eat a protein rich breakfast, and I even exercise before leaving for the airport.
Figure out the food thing in advance
If the idea of eating the mystery entree served by a harried flight attendant stresses you out, consider bringing your own food. No one will hate you for bringing cold sandwiches that aren’t too sloppy, bananas, apples, bags of trail mix, and protein bars. As you’ve probably realized by now, I’m lazy, and am pretty happy eating whatever they put in front of me, even airplane food. Note: when flying outbound from Paris on Air France, the repas aren’t half bad.
Wear the most pajama-like outfit possible, without looking as if you’re in your actual pajamas
Forgive me, but this is the result of having lived in France for a while now. When grown-ups travel around here, they dress like grown-ups. If you’re not about to go that far, check out Pact for relatively grown-up chic and comfy plane attire. On the matter of compression socks, I would rather die.
Change the time on your watch or phone to the time at your destination
This is like breaking up with someone. That old time? Don’t even think about it. That time is dead to you! The only time you’re concerned with now is the time at your destination.
Manifest sleep
I used to be one of those “I can never sleep on a plane” people. In saying that, of course, I was making sure I never got a wink of sleep. Now, after the meal is cleared away, I arrange my neck pillow and eye mask, pull the blanket up to my chiny chin chin, and imitate my regular sleeping position the best I can. I do some yoga-ish breathing, conjugate some French verbs, and hope Mercury is not in retrograde. Usually, I’m able to sleep between three and four hours. But even if sleep proves impossible, resting in the dark will help your body adjust to the new time zone.
Say not happening to jet lag
The human body wasn’t built to travel across multiple time zones in a day. Duh! After you’ve arrived and stowed your bags, go for a walk. Exercising in sunlight, will reset your internal clock. If you can’t bear to walk, then sit in the sun. Stay hydrated, eat when the locals eat, stay awake until 9:00 pm. and chant “get thee behind me jet lag!”
Handle annoying airplane passengers like a boss
Even if you score a sweet seat assignment, a seat-kicking toddler or tubercular-sounding cougher might be sitting right behind you. If sending a thin-lipped death glare of disapproval at the offending passenger (or their parent) doesn’t work, consider resorting to some passive-aggressive in-flight theater. I always carry cough drops with me, which I’ll offer to the coughing fiend. “That cough sounds terrible. Here, take these cough drops. They really work for me, and hopefully they will give you some relief.” The seat-kicking kid receives an offer of a notebook and a pen. “He seems pretty restless, maybe he might like to draw?” Sometimes the mother takes the notebook, but more often she just starts paying more attention to her kid, and hopefully his restless feet.
Be squirmy (sorry not sorry seatmate)
I say this as a life-long fidgeter and leg-bouncer with excellent circulation (ask my doctor). Get up and walk around. Be that weirdo who stretches in the aisle. Perhaps forego burpees and jumping jacks, but you wouldn’t be the first person to do a mini-HIIT workout near the lavatories. If the seatbelt sign is on, do some leg exercises in your seat.
You’re sitting in a chair in the sky!
It’s the definition of privilege to be able to fly halfway around the world in half a day, even with the minor discomforts and inconveniences. Disgraced comic Louis C.K. (wait, is he back?) has a great bit about air travel, and how we love to complain about it:
First of all [people like to complain] we didn’t board for 20 minutes! And then we got on the plane and they made us sit there on the runway for 40 minutes. We had to sit there. Oh really, what happened next, did you fly through the air incredibly, like a bird? Did you partake in the miracle of human flight. . .You’re flying! It’s amazing! Everybody on every plane should be constantly going ‘oh my God, wow!’ You’re sitting in a chair in the sky!
So, sit back and enjoy your flight (as they say), sip some water, watch a gentle movie, and feel the magic of time passing. Bon voyage!
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Proof that love can happen anywhere!!
I admit to being a bit biased about flying because I met my husband on an airplane...